Sometimes

Sometimes, its time.
Time just to lay back and put away all of the fear.
All of the fear and the sorrow,
The grace forgotten will be restored,
The emotions lost will be found.

Like the 1st sheep strays from the 99 other,
So will I stray from you,
I will stray and you will be lovely enough,
To guide me back home.

Then it will be time,
Time to forget my life,
And Woe the sorrow brought by timeless fear.
Woe the pain brought by endless ears.
The fear that once was placed,
Will be replaced by Gods great grace.

But can it be,
That by Gods grace, I can be set free
Yes…you are free, free to be, who he wants you to be.
For man cannot live on bread alone,
But only by the spirit of God.

Never-ending love

This is a hurt that cannot be parched.
I feel like the pain is flowing through my chest but you don't see it, don't even look to see.
As I embrace your wounded body your tears stream from your already red eyes and I can feel your body shaking against mine, your mind allowing you to become totaly at ease in my presense.
I am as stiff as a stick as I continue to shield myself from the hurt I have yet to feel from your words but know it will soon come.
I can feel the future, the pretense of the pain yet to come and I am afraid.
You lean on me now for support, but what will become of us in time.
I know you will forget all of the meaningless things I have said to you and only one thing will stick in your memory.
The way I RAN.
I will run away from you, blindly as i have done before.
I will not stop or cease to continue running and even if you appear before me, your arms outstretched, I will flee.
I cannot bear to look into your eyes when you see what I've done, the things that I have commited.
I know you will no longer love me, no longer be proud of the way I stood tall through everything and pretended that I was okay.
You will be angry, harsh, and unloving in the way you describe me to our once mutual friends.
They will come to hate me and I will look at them in awe.
I will not be afraid anymore.

Through all of this hurt, the tears breaking my heart and falling at your feet, I know when you turn away there will be someone there.
Someone who will not be ashamed of me, who will not look down on me because of all of the horrid things I have done.
They will love me, protect me, guard me and guide me.
Even though I have become afraid, lost hope in this short time, they will be back there....running along side me and waiting for me to need someone to carry me when I get too tired to run.
They will gently set me on the ground, blocking me from the harsh sun and hugging me with their gracious arms.
I will soon begin to replay what happened before I ran, your once harsh words and the way you continued to stare at me in awe when I began to pack for the run...
And as I look back I will see someone there, passing me clothes as I pack, running away from the one person to whome I would always love.

The someone will then usher me out the door, shielding me from the anger of your fists and protecting me from the bluntness of your crushing weight.
He will then remind me that he will always be there for me, even when I continue to go to others, who will not satisfy my need for love.
After he reasurres me of his love he will begin to mend my broken heart and bones as I run and he will run with me, until I am safe away from you.
Strangly after I ran from him the first time I expected his love to end, I expected him to give up....but it was not something I'd hoped for.

You see, I'd given up my hope to find never-ending love.
After all of the bruised arms ....all of the bleeding wrists and broken hearts...I'd given up the hope that others had.
What I didn't understand was that the hope had never given up on me...
My never ending love ran beside me, carried my fragile heart in his careful hands and always continued to love me.

Randoms

"You'll never know much I cry,
All the tears I've kept inside."


"God wrote your love story, so let him read it to you"

Learning to Breathe

Inhale (the past is a mere reminder)
Exhale (the future is only at stake)
Remembering
Anger and dissapointement,
Spilling over the seam.
An attept to conciel the pain,
No slight gain
and remembering to breathe the name.
I am no longer left alone,
I've decided it's too hard to breathe on my own.
So I am learning to breathe.

Inhale (tomorrow is a new day)
Exhale (i have nothing left to say)
for in this world there are only so many jokers,
only so many who will say,
its never too late at the end of the day,
to start over
learning to breathe.

I'll cut my hair,
Change my name,
forget the reminder of all the pain.
I'll live this life the way he did,
i'll love,
i'll loose,
i'll remember to give.

Inhale (i can't help but love you)
Exhale (but now i know that its alright)
i know its fine to scoff and fight.
I will always love,
be confused only to have things clarified,
be hurt only to captured in an adoring smile,
that will take away all doubt,
be strugging to breathe only to loose breathe,
beginning to learn how to breathe.

I will live on,
crying a little,
loving alot.
Showing no pain,
growing a heart.
Gasping for breathe,
not knowing how.
Learning to breathe,
Cause nothing else matters now.

I'm sick

I'm sick of your lies!

DON'T-
expect me.
to trust you.

All you did was pretend you loved me. All you did was pretend you cared.
You had to kiss my cheek, pretend you weren't such a geek,
Pretend you care when all you could do is stare at something that wasn't there...
Something that wasn't there.
OUR LOVE.
You said it was there, you said you felt it...

Felt what....

I can admit that I loved you...I can admit that I felt something more, that I said you meant something more then those silly words you wrote to me on the computer...
You know?
The ones that made me laugh and cry...made me want to die because i didn't want to ever fall asleep again.

You said you loved me. You said you'd wait for me to feel teh same way.

You didn't know I ALREADY DID!

I could have married you. Right here, Right now.

I'm sick of the fact that I can't stop thinking about you. That i continue to try to convince myself that...

Its....

Okay!

Its okay that I dream about you and that pretending I'm in your arms helps me to fall asleep. That i have never felt this way about anyone before and even though I know its a figment of my imagination...i'm okay with that...

Why am I okay with that?

I'm sick of pretending I dont' care about you whenever I see you.

Of wishing I could tell you that I WILL NOT...

CAN NOT...

can not... live without you.

I'm sick of the fact i think i may be falling in love with you.....

once again.

The Wind

Cold and unable to breathe,
Walking.through.this..
Just trying to conceive,
a thought or a picture,
of something once known,
trying to be strong,
not knowing which way to go.

The salt on my lips is,
a reminder of such bliss,
back when i was unafraid,
young,
pure,
so seemingly brave.

Walk straight,
hold your head high.
"remember, its not right to cry"
for to be strong i musn't break,
these chains of tough exterior,
i once did make.

And then the wind,
so light and true,
brings me back to something ionce knew.
i remember when i'd sit and sigh,
be not ashamed to love,
to cry.

Reminders of a midnight dance,
the stars so bright,
the leaves would prance.
The wind gently lifts,
my hair away,
to show a face of joy through pain.

And now so young,
in spirit, not tongue.
Remembering to pray,
through struggles each day.
As something sneaks,
in my closed up room,
reminding me I'm not alone,
for all this fear,
uncertainty draws near,
as something else becomes so clear.
The wind-through many nights and years,
swifly blows,
blows away my tears.

barely breathing

Lately

The sky has seemed bluer,
the clouds whiter and the smells of summer more vibrant than before.
Everything amphed,
out of this ordinary world to something unexplainable,
Lately,
God has seemed so much closer than a touch but so much farther away than the ittsy bittsy spider in that silly song for kids.
The spirit of God, with you in your prayers but so far away when mistakes are made and sins destroy lives.
The life of someone pure, made by God to be perfect in his image-never to make mistakes or feel pain
but pain is what we feel everyday,
the constant stream of double edged swords poking into our fragile skin.
Lately pain from the outside world has seemed so much more real but at the same time
dulled by the brightness of the sky,
the smell of the world,
the look on the face of little children that walk by with icecream running down their adorable chins.

Lately.

HOPE

There is hope.
Deep down inside of the ittie bittie space of your broken heart.
Shining brighter than all of the bitter red,
never to be snuffed out by miscomtempt.
There is hope,
even when the smell of abuse and bruises fill your nose,
when the look of alcohol fills the spaces of your brain
and when tomorrow seems like a year away.
There is hope.
When the white moon shines brighter than the black sky,
illuminating the world around with a pale light.
And the tears-creating salt marks-slide down the clearest of faces,
and the knife of bitter fear is only a space away,
When it feels like the last option is nothing more than a black death,
There is hope.
Hold onto it,
don't let it fade away.
This hope is enough to bring smiles for one more day,
laughter for one more hour.
To bring God back into a condemned soul and life into a breathless body.
This hope is enough to bring love into a hateful world,
full of deceit and worry.
This is hope.

I'm weaker than i seem

I'm weaker than i seem,
and in between-
all
0f
this...
there is things to redeem.
I stand tall in the rain,
and take in all the pain
but beneath this charade-i put on, things i've made-
my resistance to shame is beginning to fade.

I'm weaker than i seem,
and beginning to crumble i break at the seams.
I can't stand it.
I can only take so many break-ups,
the tiring make-ups,
the fights and the fears,
the bruises and tears.
I'm tired of the all heartbreaking years.
I'm weaker than i seem.

I don't want to live,
hopeing to die,
pretending to love
and living a lie.
I'm weaker than i seem.

Alone

So alone.
Desperately searching,
for someplace to hide.
Putting on the mask,
of happyness.
That is tearing me inside.
It makes me want to be alone,
It makes me want to cry.
I just don't want to feel this way,
The way I feel inside.
I can pretend,
to be someone else,
But when the day is done,
I feel just like a mouse,
Searching for a home in an abandoned wreak,
Lost and alone,
a complete reject.

I know I have friends,
and I know i have love.
I know i have something from God up above.
But I just can't see it,
The pain blinds my eyes.
There's something inside,
That covers my lies.
I know what is and i know how its made.
Its a cover of covers that can't be unlaid.
And so as I sit here,
alone and afraid,
Waiting for something to make these covers unmade.
I'll sit here with patience,
And someone will come,
Love me with hugs,
till i cry,
come undone.

Right now so alone,
With no hope left to live,
Wanting to hid yet wanting to give.
I've got one hope left,
that I'll look and I'll see,
that somebody out there is searching for me.

Wait.

And as i sit and wait,
I sigh.
I miss you,
I need you.
Somewhere around the corner of the world,
your waiting for me.
My heart is beating,
And i pray,
I pray that you may be waiting,
with your arms at your side and your heart in its place,
waiting for me to come and not being swept into some embrace.
I need your love,
Lord help me wait,
for this new man of joy and grace.

pieces

he has broken my heart in 5 pieces and as i try to pick them he just takes them back and throws them on the ground,stepping on them as he walks towards me with his arms outstretched and when he has kissed my cheek one last time and taken the last part of my heart and stepped on it..he leaves me there, with more pieces to pick up

Blue Skies

Blue Skies bring thankful voices to heaven.

And I am the thankful one.

I am thankful for the day,

for the beautiful joy that God has given me.

Joy to take place of the pain that fills up my blue skies.

My blue skies that will quickly fade away

Love

God,
This is a new kind of confusion,
A new kind of misunderstanding,
That I cannot control.
And I cannot control the way I feel,
I cannot control the way I cry,
The way I love,
The way I want to be loved.
I cannot control...
Anything.
God,
I miss knowing what is going to happen,
I miss the constant stream of reminders of your love.
And I am afraid.
I stand up to the challanges,
I tear myself loose from these fake memories
and I love with all my life.
But I get caught,
I get caught in this charade of pretending.
Pretending I am fine,
that I can stand on my own two feet.
Lord,
I am going to kneel at your feet,
Because I am,
unworthy.
Everything about me screams for your love.
Lord Jesus,
you have brought my very existance into focus.
You have brought the love of your son,
and still i wonder.
And i stand in wonder and amazement at your unfailing,
Love.
The love that will get me through the day.
You will not push your love on me Lord,
You are incredible.
Your attaniable mercy is new every morning.
And I can be reborn.
I am able to forget,
Forget all that I have felt,
All of the fears from deep within my dark unhealthy Jesus-needing heart.
I am able to love once again.
Lord,
Please don't leave me.
Allow your love, grace and mercy to sorround me.
This is my cry,
my cry of deep longing from my soul to yours.
Do not abandon me,
Do not leave me cast away.
I need you,
I need your wonderful, gracious, warm arms to envelope this body,
This body screaming for help.
Send your love to your servand Lord.
Send your unfailing love.

These People Need Love

There is a girl,
who wishes to be thin.
As she sucks in her stomache she ponders,
she wishes to be the person in the mirror.

There is a boy who wishes to close his door,
open his window and jump.
He wishes he could be gone,
dissapear from this life.

There is child who wishes for the teddybear in the window.
She wishes her mother wouldn't hit her.
She wishes her father wouldn't drink,
get angry and hurt her.

There is a man who closes his eyes to his childrens hurt.
This man will not look at his children,
they remind him,
so muchly so,
of his broken childhood.

There is a grandmother who will never see her grandchildren.
She will not live till tomorrow,
she will not to today.
She has been brought to a better place.

There is a mother, a father, a child, a teen, a grandparent.
Each have their own hurt,
each their own fear,
each there own pain.

Love,
Love these people with everything you have.
Love until you cannot love anymore.
These people,
need love.

Not my will.

"Not my will but thy will be done."
Not MY will...
not mine.
I need to come to terms with this because its not about what I want.
Its not about what I think I want or what I think I need.
Its not about me.
Its about Jesus Christ and him and what he knows I want.
He knows best and I have absolutely know idea what that is.
In the mist of all of this mess I need to remember "Not my will but thy will be done."
Not MY will....
Not Tessa MacMurchy's will and not anyone elses,
but Jesus Christ the one and only living God's will be done.
Not my will, thy will.

Hope

And I feel this immense pressure,

on my heart.

Pleading with me,

to love again.

And I feel this great measure,

of awesomeness,

loving me while seeing all I've done wrong

And all I've been through.

And I feel a love,

coming straight from heaven,

radiating all around me,

telling me, "I promise the best, someday"

And I feel hope,

for tomorrow, today and everyday after.

Urging me to go on,

to live my life for Jesus.

Not hopeing that I"ll be saved from this earthly life,

but hopeing for a greater tomorrow,

with hope to last a lifetime.

Poems 2007

As I Lie

As i lie the reality of my life sweeps around me.
What is my future? Where have the days gone?
I am so utterly alone and fear I will find nothing to grasp.
Nothing to hold tight to while this nightmare washes over me.
Is this reality or imaginary?
Am I really this defeated or is the wisper in the wind a reminder of my thoughts?
Where can I find my life again?

A Bird

If I were a bird would you teach me how to fly if I broke a wing?

The World

The word spins, round and round
And yet....I stand still
Unmoved by the colorful scheme.
The different colors combined to make one thing
DISASTER
Disaster combinded with distruction will soon penitrate the only wall of hope.
Once moved I will no longer be able to stand.
I will have to lean apon people I hate the most,
The people who created disaster.

To Feel Again

I just kind of feel empty.
All the anger, hate, frusteration...
its all turned to emptyness.
I am unable to feel secure or loved because of whats happened
And I, don't understand.
at all.

I wish I was able to feel again,
really FEEL again.

Someone hug me until i start to
CRY.

Romances

The blue sky threatens existance,
For I am unwillign to believe,
that this great abundence of love
was for me to percieve.

I believe in the great big picture,
The one of love, and faith, and hope.
The fairy tales and the mixture,
Was all a great big soap.

Mr Darcy, stern but fake.
The beat and beauty all alone.
Cinderella for the take.
the disney world of cilicone.

For life was not bound up this way.
Each breathe we take, we need to pay.
Life's not romances,
For it is true.
Becuase I was never,
Made for you.

You Inspire Me

"You inspire me!"
I am doomed to failure,
living up to what i so solely lack,
breaking back for just a pack of lies i spread each day.

I told you no,
your bad enough
to bring me to my grave.
And yet i stand,
willign to believe and desprate to,
just know that i am saved.

Saved not from the lies,
not from the cheats.
But words and haunty glances,
evil stares
that just tell me
"your not wanted...."

And then you breath those words,
"you inspire me!"
and i think,
just maybe this day will be on day I break apone those words,
will and able to believe.

You Are

Please tell me,
tell me what you've kept quite all these years.
Tell me what I want to hear
or what i don't.
tell me.
I wnat to be there for you.

You are not insignificant.
You are precious.
Whatever your heart pleads,
I am ehre.
You are not a lot cause,
Please tell me what you've kept quiet all these years.

The Voice

Her voice is barely audible above the wind.
She speaks for all those who have lost their voice.
Who have cried in the middle of the night,
not to be heard.
She speaks for those who are sorry,
those who have been forgiven but cannot forgive themselves.
She speaks.

A Tune

He hears you cry,
When all you want to do is sigh,
And say.
I want you,
I need you.
Somewhere around the corner of the world,
your waiting for me.

Forgiven

He calls,
To everyone's amazement, she comes.
Slowly, with dread lining her broken expression.
She comes.

His arms open, he walks towards her.
Surprised, she steps into his embrace.
The hurt that makes her hesitate
is drowned out, by the strong faith holding them together.

She never though, it was plausiable,
to be forgiven,
for the wrongs she commited.
She never though, she could erase,
the thing that lowered her so needed respect.

Her depts are payed,
She is forgiven.
There is not longer,
a price to be payed.

DON'T YOU HATE IT!

She is made whole,
by the one she thought she could live without.
She desired to forget,
the way she felt.

She Is So Afraid

She is so afriad.
Afraid of life and yet afraid of death.
She is so afraid,
Afraid of herself, her friends, her family.
So afraid to tell the way she feels.
She's afraid of possibilities,
Afraid of god and yet afraid of the possiblity of no God.
Afraid of change and afraid to love.
She is afraid of hope and a future but afraid to have none at all.
She is afraid of words and afraid of slience.
She is so deathly afraid LOVE,
to tell why and who she loves.
She, is afraid of fear.
She's afraid of being afraid and yet she fears.
Will her fears take over, or will they sit drowning her while she stays silent.
To talk would be wonderful,
but she is so afraid.

i try so hard

So...i'm sick of being known as the "sweet" girl. Like sure....i don't mind being sweet and i'd rather be sweet, not slutty or stupid or something else. But the thing is, i'm JUST the sweet girl or the nice girl. And i'm not refuring to getting guys or anything because i do care about that....but not as much as this.

The thing is, I have friends (no suprise there i hope :))
but the problem is, is that i end up introducing my amazing friends to my other friends or i end up asking them to pray for them because i'm so worried...and i worry, a whole heck of a lot. and i pray but the thing is, they end up meeting my friends and they like them....

And its not a problem....i love people meeting people and becoming friends....but the people i care about most; the people i cry about, and pray about and hope for....they are the ones that love my friends more then they have ever loved me.

And i shouldn't be mad about this and i should be totaly okay with it....but i'm not.
and i try so hard, and if i didn't try so hard it wouldn't be a problem..but it try so hard.

love me.

Are your crazy?
You can't possibly mean it when you say you love me,
you can't possibly mean it when you say you care.
I just want you to be able to see,
That my heart will never cease to tear,
Everytime you say you love me.

If you want to know whats going on,
And if you want to hear my made up song,
You need to sit and listen here,
Hear my voice singing loud and clear,
About the way i love you so,
But don't believe you love me....
no, i don't believe you love me so.

Lord.

Lord,
If you can hear me,
I sometimes need some help.
I need to be able to see,
Or my heart is going to melt.
I can't control things that may happen,
And i can't see the future.
I don't know when i'll next be laughin,
And i'll no longer be able to suture,
my personalitiy to fit people's minds.
I will not longer be able to rewind,
What I say and do,
To be what others want me to.
But i don't want to be that way,
I don't want to have to say
That i'll be who you want me to be,
Anyday.
Lord,
I really want to start to talk,
And i want to always walk the walk,
With you....
Please help me to.

This way

i love you,
Everything you do,
With all of my heart.
Every single part.
This love feels safe,
Feels right.
Oh, what can i say,
To make you feel this way?

When I wake up,
I think I'm dreaming.
This love in a cup,
Is so seeming-ly,
Lovely.
Oh, what can I say,
To make you feel this way?

To make you feel,
This way.
I want you to kneel,
To pray,
For the way you made me love,
Flew in like a dove,
Made me feel...
like this,
This way.

Night?

The stars were shining and the moon was amazing and i had the most wonderful night ever.
All i hear is, "Will you marry me?"
HAHAHA.
okay so if you want to know the story. you HAVE TO ask.

Don't we all?

And I try so hard,
To be who you want me to be,
I'm always playing the card,
Always climbing the tree,
Up to the highest branch,
Where I know you look up to.

But you don't.
You don't look to where I am,
And i constantly contradict myself
Thinking...
Why doesn't he look this way?
Why doesn't he say,
what he wants to...?
And then I tell myself that it doesn't matter,
That what he thinks isn't on the platter,
Of things i'm going to care about.

I lie to myself,
Trying to convince myself,
That I dont' care.
But don't we all?

Today

Today I was sitting on the bus, minding my own business, reading a book....and i had this thought.....
i know fat is such a horrible word....but i'm going to use it anyways....

today i was sitting on the bus seat and i wished i could be fat so that i could just be so comfortable.... could fit right in between the front of my seat and the back of the person in front of mine.....and i though how comfortable that would be.
and i know i would probably not feel too good about myself because bigger people are reduced down to so little these days...but i wished i could be fat.

and i'm thinking that no one should be reduced to anything. today's world has this perfect image for people....you have to be a certian height with a flat stomache, rounded hips, perfectly shaped legs and a beautiful face with wonderful shiny hair....what is the perfect shape, color, length, width....what is it?

i think we drive ourselves so hard to find that " perfect " image that we get so stuck down....i finally realized that there is no perfect and if there was....everyone woudl look the same, act the same, and completely be the same person. we would all be walking around with "that" hair and "that" body and "that" face....we would be completely fake.....

instead of this boring imagined life we have an amazing reality that we need to come to face.... we are all different and we can never be the same. people....you can change your hair and your clothes and your body....heck, you can even change so many things about your DNA....but you can never change who you were meant to be...you can never change who God inspired you to be.....

there will be people with red hair, green eyes, blonde hair and brown eyes....there will be fat and skinny, short and tall people....there will be millions of different DNA codes and guess what! none of them will EVER be the same...

i can tell you this....i woudl rather stick out then just fade in.....i think to some degree we would all like to be something different, special.....unique....we would all like to be....ourselves....

we don't want to change but because of what society says, we are almost forced to change who we are to fit in.

well i can tell you this. i'm sick of it. i'm sick if this game that we play to fit in and look like everyone else. i want to be who God made me to be and i'm not taking any shortcuts....i'm not taking the easy way out. i'm going to go the long way. i'm going to go the hard way....because i'm me, i dont' make decitions other people do.

i have brown hair, blue eyes....medium height, medium build....i'm nothing but me.....but who God made me to be.....

i refuse to perminently change who i am on the outside so that i can pretend to be something that isn't me in the inside...i refuse to be like you.....i refuse to be anything other then what God has created me to be....fat, thin, tall, short, black, white....i am me.

Worship

This blog is going to be on worship because it think its really important that I as well as other people understand something....

God put everyone on the earth for something....He gave us all talents that he wants us to use for his glory....not ours.

The thing is...it doesn't matter. Nothing that we do matters...ok....thats not totaly true. We matter, we do posative things for people....we make an impact on people's lives...we ARE here for a reason....but God doesn't need us.

God put us on this earth for one specific thing; to use the talents he's given us to glorify and serve him. That is the only reason we are on earth. He's planned out our lives for us, he's died for us so we can be forgiven and live and he rose again so that we aren't alone in this world.

God loves you...HECK he died for you....he DIED for you....on a freaken cross...he had nails in his hands and he never once swore, never once cursed....he sat there and said, "Lord, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing"

We are forgiven for everything that we do....and we are given a chance for a completely new start...And with that start comes a responcibility... He only asks one single thing...and that is to praice him with all that we have....to make him our all in all....

And i know it seems complicated...and i'm not going to pretend to tell you that it isn't....being a christian is a whole new journey of mistakes...but the difference is....we dont' have to pretend we're perfect and we don't have to lie about doing things wrong....

God is there and will always forgive you...which brings me back to my next topic.

Sometimes i wonder...you know? if like...after all of this that Jesus/God has done for all of us....that maybe we should you know?....do something for him? The crazy thing is that he could ask you to die for him....it would make sense...or he could ask you to do crazy things...but all he asks you to do....is just worship him and give him your all....

All he asks you to do is tell other about him and about who he is and about the forgiveness he's given you....the sweet feeling of peace...he doesn't ask for the oppurtunity to take your life away beacuse he already has it...he owns it....he only asks you to love him and to let him use your life in a way that gives him glory and allows you to be joyful in his presense....

is that so hard to believe? is it so hard to just worship him?

Make Sense?

Okay....that doesn't make any sense whatsoever....and i mean the blog i just wrote.
To explain...I went into something, i'm not quite sure what it was...but i went into it with my eyes closed.
I met a wonderful guy who (i think) loved me for me.
And i threw it away because i went it looking to feel loved, not looking for a relationship or commitment.
I ended up hurting myself and him completely....and i can't seem to get over it.
I know my friend is doing the exact same thing and i'm terrified of her getting hurt and me not being able to do anything....
i'm so terrified of not being able to keep her unhurt.

Relationships

I think he's out to ruin my life.
Emotionally and mentally of course.
He hasn't said anything or done anything...no, he hasnt' done anything
Except ruin my veiw on dating and life forever.
The thing is, i'm so completely angry.
I see someone i love doing the exact same thing i did.
It was so wrong. I shouldnt' have ever done it and i see her doing the same thing.
The real problem is, that she knows what she's doing.
She's in a relationship to fool around.
She doesn't want any ties and she doesn't want to be exclusive.
And i think she' believes its right.

I didn't understand why it bugged me so much until a little while ago.
She's rushing into this like i did.
And it was the one time that i regret everything i did.
Not because the guy wasn't amazing.
And not because i did anything i'd regret.
Heck!
I didn't even kiss him.
I know she's going to regret it because once its over she'll never know.

She'll never know if he acually liked her or if he was using her.
She'll never know if it could have worked out.
She'll never know if they would have gotten married.
Because she isn't looking for a relationship.
And she isn't looking for any commitment.
She wants to feel loved, and hold hands and cuddle.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that...
Except its going to hurt her so badly she won't be able to get up without wondering....

Did he acually love me?

I realize that i'm not acually angry at my friend and i'm not acually angry at that guy....i'm angry at myself.
And i'm angry because i went into something looking to feel loved when i should have gone into it knowing i'd be loved and knowing that the commitement was worth it, not just a fool around relationship.
And i'm angry because i can't stop it.
I can't stop wondering and i can't stop rachel from experianceing that wondering.
Because I KNOW she will.
and i know she's going to feel like life will never be the same.
and i'm not okay with that.
I'm not okay with not being able to fix something before it happened because i know i won't be able to fix it when it does.

Back When- By Julien Busse

Think I wont remember what it feels like to not have you next to me?Think I wont remember every word your spoke to me?The way you held me and promised to never let go and that I only knew that eventually I would go I’ll hold on to these memories so dearly every moments now treasured forever kept in my heart, the pain, the sorrow you caused me when you broke my heart the joy you brought when you smiled at me hugged me and held me told me that every things going to be ok and then I put my trust in you

how long is it going to be?How long till you start speaking to me?Telling me things that I use to believe harder and harder it is for me to understand what you mean look at me now, watch me.See my scars and promise me what we all go through will someday end I’ll find someone who understands who will love me for who I am make me laugh and understand what I’ve gone through and what I’ve done

hold me up and tell me I’m the one but I will look back and see where I’ve come from. I’ll remember you maybe I’ll call you and talk to you we will catch up and talk about the days we had talk about the days we’re having and the ones to come and we will see what we have come from think I wont remember everything you say?Just watch me ill remember I still remember to this very day

Feel So - Boxcar RacerSometimes

Feel So - Boxcar RacerSometimes

I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I'

CauseI feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

SometimesI wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me'

CauseI feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

needed?

are you needed?...well, i'm not.

Reveal our hearts

I realized that writting is a huge way to express one's feelings....It is a mere talent that God has given some and not given other....And i realized that although i may be expressing my talent, i am also fully expressing my feelings-everything i've ever felt is being relayed in poems.
I also realized that when i write a song and sing it for few people i am telling those people how my emotions are playing out and that scares me. I shouldn't have to feel fear when letting others see what God has given me but somehow i always find it very frightening to put my work out there on the line for people to judge and comment on.
I'm very unhealthily paranoid on the subject of my feelings and i always end up changing the subject. Poems and songs are somethign that makes me seem extremely emotional and drastic...on paper; but in reality, they are mere words i'm feeling in my heart.
When people think about writting things or singing them, they are pouring their hearts and minds into something that may or may not ever go anywhere...
For me, when i write, i'm seeking that love and encouragement i can't seem to find anywhere else...i'm crying out but not wanting anyone to truly see what i'm feeling...i think i'd feel truly transparent...
So when someone writes think not of the negative but of the amazing potencial and heart put into the writting. Think of the love...or the hate that made the person write it. The complete bitterness, fear, objectivity, and emense emotion....just think.
It'll make you want to cry your heart out for the person, because deep down we are all feeling lost and writting is a way to reveal our hearts.

What?

And when i thought you would be there,
You weren't.
And i keep on contemplating,
If its my fault that your gone...
Or if i'm the one to blame when this day ends.

When i sit by myself,
And wonder what i could have done to be left here,
I think it may have been my fault.
I've been getting stuck with people,
who don't hold up their end of the deal.
And i'm so sick of trying so hard,
To make things work when in the end,
I know i'm going to be forgotten.

I just don't want to be forgotten,
Anymore then nessisary,
because i'm so used to it that i keep on hopeing it'll end.
My friends have left in search of something else,
And i lay here,
by myself waiting for them to come back.
When i know in the end, i might as well be waiting for the dead to rise...

Which may never happen,
So as long as i'm undecided...
my best decition is to wait, until i can talk to people....and figure out what happened....
with these friendships.

Promise me...

Promise me we'll be together,
I want to be with you forever,
Promise me you'll love me now,
Because I want to be, with you somehow.
In all this confusion,
And with such great delusion,
If it's meant to be,
You will be with me.

Please don't say,
That even today,
You'll wait for my existance.
Please know I love you,
And always view,
You in all of the forgiveness.

I don't blame you,
Or your lopsided view.
Waiting for the prize,
That Jesus made me realize.
You were too good to be true,
It doesn't stop me from missing you.

And all along I thought a promise was forever,
I thought we'd always be together.
The years go by,
We're still alone, I sigh,
And say.
I'll be here for you, everyday.
I promise.

Love?

And this world that i live in,
I live in alone.
I've loved and i'v lost,
And i'v made my own zone.
I'm sick of the passion,
In which people care,
I'm in love with the way,
That you dare...
To love me.

In which the way,
You laugh out loud.
The way you seem,
to make me proud.
But thats all gone,
All this charade.
The love has lost,
The pain's been paid.

And now i wait.
As i sit here.
You held my heart,
You held it dear.
Please dont' pretend,
To love me so,
I've given up my love.
So go.

i'm finished

I'm finished with this lack of love,
I'm finished with this stress.
I know that you don't care for me.
Please give me something less,
then all this crap you hand to me.
I finished with the lack of love,
I'm finished with this mess.

I know that you don't love me,
The way that I love you.
I know that you don't care i'm hurting,
Even if i care for you.
I miss you and you may not know it.
You may not understand.
I've given up this love for you,
A way I didn't plan.

I can't tell a lie.
I love you and probably always will,
but you've give up your love for me,
I don't want to love you,
Still.
Its my fault that you left me,
I told you not to care.
I told you not to love me,
and then i fell for you.
You didn't want to catch me,
because,
I didn't catch you.

I'm finished with this love,
I've given up my hope.
You told me you would wait,
for my heart to come to you.
You lied to me in wake,
Of what i said to you.
I'm finished with this love,
I love you much too much.
I'm finished with this lack of love,
I'm finished with this mess.