Love

God,
This is a new kind of confusion,
A new kind of misunderstanding,
That I cannot control.
And I cannot control the way I feel,
I cannot control the way I cry,
The way I love,
The way I want to be loved.
I cannot control...
Anything.
God,
I miss knowing what is going to happen,
I miss the constant stream of reminders of your love.
And I am afraid.
I stand up to the challanges,
I tear myself loose from these fake memories
and I love with all my life.
But I get caught,
I get caught in this charade of pretending.
Pretending I am fine,
that I can stand on my own two feet.
Lord,
I am going to kneel at your feet,
Because I am,
unworthy.
Everything about me screams for your love.
Lord Jesus,
you have brought my very existance into focus.
You have brought the love of your son,
and still i wonder.
And i stand in wonder and amazement at your unfailing,
Love.
The love that will get me through the day.
You will not push your love on me Lord,
You are incredible.
Your attaniable mercy is new every morning.
And I can be reborn.
I am able to forget,
Forget all that I have felt,
All of the fears from deep within my dark unhealthy Jesus-needing heart.
I am able to love once again.
Lord,
Please don't leave me.
Allow your love, grace and mercy to sorround me.
This is my cry,
my cry of deep longing from my soul to yours.
Do not abandon me,
Do not leave me cast away.
I need you,
I need your wonderful, gracious, warm arms to envelope this body,
This body screaming for help.
Send your love to your servand Lord.
Send your unfailing love.

These People Need Love

There is a girl,
who wishes to be thin.
As she sucks in her stomache she ponders,
she wishes to be the person in the mirror.

There is a boy who wishes to close his door,
open his window and jump.
He wishes he could be gone,
dissapear from this life.

There is child who wishes for the teddybear in the window.
She wishes her mother wouldn't hit her.
She wishes her father wouldn't drink,
get angry and hurt her.

There is a man who closes his eyes to his childrens hurt.
This man will not look at his children,
they remind him,
so muchly so,
of his broken childhood.

There is a grandmother who will never see her grandchildren.
She will not live till tomorrow,
she will not to today.
She has been brought to a better place.

There is a mother, a father, a child, a teen, a grandparent.
Each have their own hurt,
each their own fear,
each there own pain.

Love,
Love these people with everything you have.
Love until you cannot love anymore.
These people,
need love.

Not my will.

"Not my will but thy will be done."
Not MY will...
not mine.
I need to come to terms with this because its not about what I want.
Its not about what I think I want or what I think I need.
Its not about me.
Its about Jesus Christ and him and what he knows I want.
He knows best and I have absolutely know idea what that is.
In the mist of all of this mess I need to remember "Not my will but thy will be done."
Not MY will....
Not Tessa MacMurchy's will and not anyone elses,
but Jesus Christ the one and only living God's will be done.
Not my will, thy will.

Hope

And I feel this immense pressure,

on my heart.

Pleading with me,

to love again.

And I feel this great measure,

of awesomeness,

loving me while seeing all I've done wrong

And all I've been through.

And I feel a love,

coming straight from heaven,

radiating all around me,

telling me, "I promise the best, someday"

And I feel hope,

for tomorrow, today and everyday after.

Urging me to go on,

to live my life for Jesus.

Not hopeing that I"ll be saved from this earthly life,

but hopeing for a greater tomorrow,

with hope to last a lifetime.

Poems 2007

As I Lie

As i lie the reality of my life sweeps around me.
What is my future? Where have the days gone?
I am so utterly alone and fear I will find nothing to grasp.
Nothing to hold tight to while this nightmare washes over me.
Is this reality or imaginary?
Am I really this defeated or is the wisper in the wind a reminder of my thoughts?
Where can I find my life again?

A Bird

If I were a bird would you teach me how to fly if I broke a wing?

The World

The word spins, round and round
And yet....I stand still
Unmoved by the colorful scheme.
The different colors combined to make one thing
DISASTER
Disaster combinded with distruction will soon penitrate the only wall of hope.
Once moved I will no longer be able to stand.
I will have to lean apon people I hate the most,
The people who created disaster.

To Feel Again

I just kind of feel empty.
All the anger, hate, frusteration...
its all turned to emptyness.
I am unable to feel secure or loved because of whats happened
And I, don't understand.
at all.

I wish I was able to feel again,
really FEEL again.

Someone hug me until i start to
CRY.

Romances

The blue sky threatens existance,
For I am unwillign to believe,
that this great abundence of love
was for me to percieve.

I believe in the great big picture,
The one of love, and faith, and hope.
The fairy tales and the mixture,
Was all a great big soap.

Mr Darcy, stern but fake.
The beat and beauty all alone.
Cinderella for the take.
the disney world of cilicone.

For life was not bound up this way.
Each breathe we take, we need to pay.
Life's not romances,
For it is true.
Becuase I was never,
Made for you.

You Inspire Me

"You inspire me!"
I am doomed to failure,
living up to what i so solely lack,
breaking back for just a pack of lies i spread each day.

I told you no,
your bad enough
to bring me to my grave.
And yet i stand,
willign to believe and desprate to,
just know that i am saved.

Saved not from the lies,
not from the cheats.
But words and haunty glances,
evil stares
that just tell me
"your not wanted...."

And then you breath those words,
"you inspire me!"
and i think,
just maybe this day will be on day I break apone those words,
will and able to believe.

You Are

Please tell me,
tell me what you've kept quite all these years.
Tell me what I want to hear
or what i don't.
tell me.
I wnat to be there for you.

You are not insignificant.
You are precious.
Whatever your heart pleads,
I am ehre.
You are not a lot cause,
Please tell me what you've kept quiet all these years.

The Voice

Her voice is barely audible above the wind.
She speaks for all those who have lost their voice.
Who have cried in the middle of the night,
not to be heard.
She speaks for those who are sorry,
those who have been forgiven but cannot forgive themselves.
She speaks.

A Tune

He hears you cry,
When all you want to do is sigh,
And say.
I want you,
I need you.
Somewhere around the corner of the world,
your waiting for me.

Forgiven

He calls,
To everyone's amazement, she comes.
Slowly, with dread lining her broken expression.
She comes.

His arms open, he walks towards her.
Surprised, she steps into his embrace.
The hurt that makes her hesitate
is drowned out, by the strong faith holding them together.

She never though, it was plausiable,
to be forgiven,
for the wrongs she commited.
She never though, she could erase,
the thing that lowered her so needed respect.

Her depts are payed,
She is forgiven.
There is not longer,
a price to be payed.

DON'T YOU HATE IT!

She is made whole,
by the one she thought she could live without.
She desired to forget,
the way she felt.

She Is So Afraid

She is so afriad.
Afraid of life and yet afraid of death.
She is so afraid,
Afraid of herself, her friends, her family.
So afraid to tell the way she feels.
She's afraid of possibilities,
Afraid of god and yet afraid of the possiblity of no God.
Afraid of change and afraid to love.
She is afraid of hope and a future but afraid to have none at all.
She is afraid of words and afraid of slience.
She is so deathly afraid LOVE,
to tell why and who she loves.
She, is afraid of fear.
She's afraid of being afraid and yet she fears.
Will her fears take over, or will they sit drowning her while she stays silent.
To talk would be wonderful,
but she is so afraid.

i try so hard

So...i'm sick of being known as the "sweet" girl. Like sure....i don't mind being sweet and i'd rather be sweet, not slutty or stupid or something else. But the thing is, i'm JUST the sweet girl or the nice girl. And i'm not refuring to getting guys or anything because i do care about that....but not as much as this.

The thing is, I have friends (no suprise there i hope :))
but the problem is, is that i end up introducing my amazing friends to my other friends or i end up asking them to pray for them because i'm so worried...and i worry, a whole heck of a lot. and i pray but the thing is, they end up meeting my friends and they like them....

And its not a problem....i love people meeting people and becoming friends....but the people i care about most; the people i cry about, and pray about and hope for....they are the ones that love my friends more then they have ever loved me.

And i shouldn't be mad about this and i should be totaly okay with it....but i'm not.
and i try so hard, and if i didn't try so hard it wouldn't be a problem..but it try so hard.

love me.

Are your crazy?
You can't possibly mean it when you say you love me,
you can't possibly mean it when you say you care.
I just want you to be able to see,
That my heart will never cease to tear,
Everytime you say you love me.

If you want to know whats going on,
And if you want to hear my made up song,
You need to sit and listen here,
Hear my voice singing loud and clear,
About the way i love you so,
But don't believe you love me....
no, i don't believe you love me so.