I'm sick

I'm sick of your lies!

DON'T-
expect me.
to trust you.

All you did was pretend you loved me. All you did was pretend you cared.
You had to kiss my cheek, pretend you weren't such a geek,
Pretend you care when all you could do is stare at something that wasn't there...
Something that wasn't there.
OUR LOVE.
You said it was there, you said you felt it...

Felt what....

I can admit that I loved you...I can admit that I felt something more, that I said you meant something more then those silly words you wrote to me on the computer...
You know?
The ones that made me laugh and cry...made me want to die because i didn't want to ever fall asleep again.

You said you loved me. You said you'd wait for me to feel teh same way.

You didn't know I ALREADY DID!

I could have married you. Right here, Right now.

I'm sick of the fact that I can't stop thinking about you. That i continue to try to convince myself that...

Its....

Okay!

Its okay that I dream about you and that pretending I'm in your arms helps me to fall asleep. That i have never felt this way about anyone before and even though I know its a figment of my imagination...i'm okay with that...

Why am I okay with that?

I'm sick of pretending I dont' care about you whenever I see you.

Of wishing I could tell you that I WILL NOT...

CAN NOT...

can not... live without you.

I'm sick of the fact i think i may be falling in love with you.....

once again.

The Wind

Cold and unable to breathe,
Walking.through.this..
Just trying to conceive,
a thought or a picture,
of something once known,
trying to be strong,
not knowing which way to go.

The salt on my lips is,
a reminder of such bliss,
back when i was unafraid,
young,
pure,
so seemingly brave.

Walk straight,
hold your head high.
"remember, its not right to cry"
for to be strong i musn't break,
these chains of tough exterior,
i once did make.

And then the wind,
so light and true,
brings me back to something ionce knew.
i remember when i'd sit and sigh,
be not ashamed to love,
to cry.

Reminders of a midnight dance,
the stars so bright,
the leaves would prance.
The wind gently lifts,
my hair away,
to show a face of joy through pain.

And now so young,
in spirit, not tongue.
Remembering to pray,
through struggles each day.
As something sneaks,
in my closed up room,
reminding me I'm not alone,
for all this fear,
uncertainty draws near,
as something else becomes so clear.
The wind-through many nights and years,
swifly blows,
blows away my tears.

barely breathing

Lately

The sky has seemed bluer,
the clouds whiter and the smells of summer more vibrant than before.
Everything amphed,
out of this ordinary world to something unexplainable,
Lately,
God has seemed so much closer than a touch but so much farther away than the ittsy bittsy spider in that silly song for kids.
The spirit of God, with you in your prayers but so far away when mistakes are made and sins destroy lives.
The life of someone pure, made by God to be perfect in his image-never to make mistakes or feel pain
but pain is what we feel everyday,
the constant stream of double edged swords poking into our fragile skin.
Lately pain from the outside world has seemed so much more real but at the same time
dulled by the brightness of the sky,
the smell of the world,
the look on the face of little children that walk by with icecream running down their adorable chins.

Lately.

HOPE

There is hope.
Deep down inside of the ittie bittie space of your broken heart.
Shining brighter than all of the bitter red,
never to be snuffed out by miscomtempt.
There is hope,
even when the smell of abuse and bruises fill your nose,
when the look of alcohol fills the spaces of your brain
and when tomorrow seems like a year away.
There is hope.
When the white moon shines brighter than the black sky,
illuminating the world around with a pale light.
And the tears-creating salt marks-slide down the clearest of faces,
and the knife of bitter fear is only a space away,
When it feels like the last option is nothing more than a black death,
There is hope.
Hold onto it,
don't let it fade away.
This hope is enough to bring smiles for one more day,
laughter for one more hour.
To bring God back into a condemned soul and life into a breathless body.
This hope is enough to bring love into a hateful world,
full of deceit and worry.
This is hope.

I'm weaker than i seem

I'm weaker than i seem,
and in between-
all
0f
this...
there is things to redeem.
I stand tall in the rain,
and take in all the pain
but beneath this charade-i put on, things i've made-
my resistance to shame is beginning to fade.

I'm weaker than i seem,
and beginning to crumble i break at the seams.
I can't stand it.
I can only take so many break-ups,
the tiring make-ups,
the fights and the fears,
the bruises and tears.
I'm tired of the all heartbreaking years.
I'm weaker than i seem.

I don't want to live,
hopeing to die,
pretending to love
and living a lie.
I'm weaker than i seem.