Make Sense?

Okay....that doesn't make any sense whatsoever....and i mean the blog i just wrote.
To explain...I went into something, i'm not quite sure what it was...but i went into it with my eyes closed.
I met a wonderful guy who (i think) loved me for me.
And i threw it away because i went it looking to feel loved, not looking for a relationship or commitment.
I ended up hurting myself and him completely....and i can't seem to get over it.
I know my friend is doing the exact same thing and i'm terrified of her getting hurt and me not being able to do anything....
i'm so terrified of not being able to keep her unhurt.

Relationships

I think he's out to ruin my life.
Emotionally and mentally of course.
He hasn't said anything or done anything...no, he hasnt' done anything
Except ruin my veiw on dating and life forever.
The thing is, i'm so completely angry.
I see someone i love doing the exact same thing i did.
It was so wrong. I shouldnt' have ever done it and i see her doing the same thing.
The real problem is, that she knows what she's doing.
She's in a relationship to fool around.
She doesn't want any ties and she doesn't want to be exclusive.
And i think she' believes its right.

I didn't understand why it bugged me so much until a little while ago.
She's rushing into this like i did.
And it was the one time that i regret everything i did.
Not because the guy wasn't amazing.
And not because i did anything i'd regret.
Heck!
I didn't even kiss him.
I know she's going to regret it because once its over she'll never know.

She'll never know if he acually liked her or if he was using her.
She'll never know if it could have worked out.
She'll never know if they would have gotten married.
Because she isn't looking for a relationship.
And she isn't looking for any commitment.
She wants to feel loved, and hold hands and cuddle.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that...
Except its going to hurt her so badly she won't be able to get up without wondering....

Did he acually love me?

I realize that i'm not acually angry at my friend and i'm not acually angry at that guy....i'm angry at myself.
And i'm angry because i went into something looking to feel loved when i should have gone into it knowing i'd be loved and knowing that the commitement was worth it, not just a fool around relationship.
And i'm angry because i can't stop it.
I can't stop wondering and i can't stop rachel from experianceing that wondering.
Because I KNOW she will.
and i know she's going to feel like life will never be the same.
and i'm not okay with that.
I'm not okay with not being able to fix something before it happened because i know i won't be able to fix it when it does.

Back When- By Julien Busse

Think I wont remember what it feels like to not have you next to me?Think I wont remember every word your spoke to me?The way you held me and promised to never let go and that I only knew that eventually I would go I’ll hold on to these memories so dearly every moments now treasured forever kept in my heart, the pain, the sorrow you caused me when you broke my heart the joy you brought when you smiled at me hugged me and held me told me that every things going to be ok and then I put my trust in you

how long is it going to be?How long till you start speaking to me?Telling me things that I use to believe harder and harder it is for me to understand what you mean look at me now, watch me.See my scars and promise me what we all go through will someday end I’ll find someone who understands who will love me for who I am make me laugh and understand what I’ve gone through and what I’ve done

hold me up and tell me I’m the one but I will look back and see where I’ve come from. I’ll remember you maybe I’ll call you and talk to you we will catch up and talk about the days we had talk about the days we’re having and the ones to come and we will see what we have come from think I wont remember everything you say?Just watch me ill remember I still remember to this very day

Feel So - Boxcar RacerSometimes

Feel So - Boxcar RacerSometimes

I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I'

CauseI feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

SometimesI wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me'

CauseI feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

needed?

are you needed?...well, i'm not.

Reveal our hearts

I realized that writting is a huge way to express one's feelings....It is a mere talent that God has given some and not given other....And i realized that although i may be expressing my talent, i am also fully expressing my feelings-everything i've ever felt is being relayed in poems.
I also realized that when i write a song and sing it for few people i am telling those people how my emotions are playing out and that scares me. I shouldn't have to feel fear when letting others see what God has given me but somehow i always find it very frightening to put my work out there on the line for people to judge and comment on.
I'm very unhealthily paranoid on the subject of my feelings and i always end up changing the subject. Poems and songs are somethign that makes me seem extremely emotional and drastic...on paper; but in reality, they are mere words i'm feeling in my heart.
When people think about writting things or singing them, they are pouring their hearts and minds into something that may or may not ever go anywhere...
For me, when i write, i'm seeking that love and encouragement i can't seem to find anywhere else...i'm crying out but not wanting anyone to truly see what i'm feeling...i think i'd feel truly transparent...
So when someone writes think not of the negative but of the amazing potencial and heart put into the writting. Think of the love...or the hate that made the person write it. The complete bitterness, fear, objectivity, and emense emotion....just think.
It'll make you want to cry your heart out for the person, because deep down we are all feeling lost and writting is a way to reveal our hearts.