Don't we all?

And I try so hard,
To be who you want me to be,
I'm always playing the card,
Always climbing the tree,
Up to the highest branch,
Where I know you look up to.

But you don't.
You don't look to where I am,
And i constantly contradict myself
Thinking...
Why doesn't he look this way?
Why doesn't he say,
what he wants to...?
And then I tell myself that it doesn't matter,
That what he thinks isn't on the platter,
Of things i'm going to care about.

I lie to myself,
Trying to convince myself,
That I dont' care.
But don't we all?

Today

Today I was sitting on the bus, minding my own business, reading a book....and i had this thought.....
i know fat is such a horrible word....but i'm going to use it anyways....

today i was sitting on the bus seat and i wished i could be fat so that i could just be so comfortable.... could fit right in between the front of my seat and the back of the person in front of mine.....and i though how comfortable that would be.
and i know i would probably not feel too good about myself because bigger people are reduced down to so little these days...but i wished i could be fat.

and i'm thinking that no one should be reduced to anything. today's world has this perfect image for people....you have to be a certian height with a flat stomache, rounded hips, perfectly shaped legs and a beautiful face with wonderful shiny hair....what is the perfect shape, color, length, width....what is it?

i think we drive ourselves so hard to find that " perfect " image that we get so stuck down....i finally realized that there is no perfect and if there was....everyone woudl look the same, act the same, and completely be the same person. we would all be walking around with "that" hair and "that" body and "that" face....we would be completely fake.....

instead of this boring imagined life we have an amazing reality that we need to come to face.... we are all different and we can never be the same. people....you can change your hair and your clothes and your body....heck, you can even change so many things about your DNA....but you can never change who you were meant to be...you can never change who God inspired you to be.....

there will be people with red hair, green eyes, blonde hair and brown eyes....there will be fat and skinny, short and tall people....there will be millions of different DNA codes and guess what! none of them will EVER be the same...

i can tell you this....i woudl rather stick out then just fade in.....i think to some degree we would all like to be something different, special.....unique....we would all like to be....ourselves....

we don't want to change but because of what society says, we are almost forced to change who we are to fit in.

well i can tell you this. i'm sick of it. i'm sick if this game that we play to fit in and look like everyone else. i want to be who God made me to be and i'm not taking any shortcuts....i'm not taking the easy way out. i'm going to go the long way. i'm going to go the hard way....because i'm me, i dont' make decitions other people do.

i have brown hair, blue eyes....medium height, medium build....i'm nothing but me.....but who God made me to be.....

i refuse to perminently change who i am on the outside so that i can pretend to be something that isn't me in the inside...i refuse to be like you.....i refuse to be anything other then what God has created me to be....fat, thin, tall, short, black, white....i am me.

Worship

This blog is going to be on worship because it think its really important that I as well as other people understand something....

God put everyone on the earth for something....He gave us all talents that he wants us to use for his glory....not ours.

The thing is...it doesn't matter. Nothing that we do matters...ok....thats not totaly true. We matter, we do posative things for people....we make an impact on people's lives...we ARE here for a reason....but God doesn't need us.

God put us on this earth for one specific thing; to use the talents he's given us to glorify and serve him. That is the only reason we are on earth. He's planned out our lives for us, he's died for us so we can be forgiven and live and he rose again so that we aren't alone in this world.

God loves you...HECK he died for you....he DIED for you....on a freaken cross...he had nails in his hands and he never once swore, never once cursed....he sat there and said, "Lord, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing"

We are forgiven for everything that we do....and we are given a chance for a completely new start...And with that start comes a responcibility... He only asks one single thing...and that is to praice him with all that we have....to make him our all in all....

And i know it seems complicated...and i'm not going to pretend to tell you that it isn't....being a christian is a whole new journey of mistakes...but the difference is....we dont' have to pretend we're perfect and we don't have to lie about doing things wrong....

God is there and will always forgive you...which brings me back to my next topic.

Sometimes i wonder...you know? if like...after all of this that Jesus/God has done for all of us....that maybe we should you know?....do something for him? The crazy thing is that he could ask you to die for him....it would make sense...or he could ask you to do crazy things...but all he asks you to do....is just worship him and give him your all....

All he asks you to do is tell other about him and about who he is and about the forgiveness he's given you....the sweet feeling of peace...he doesn't ask for the oppurtunity to take your life away beacuse he already has it...he owns it....he only asks you to love him and to let him use your life in a way that gives him glory and allows you to be joyful in his presense....

is that so hard to believe? is it so hard to just worship him?

Make Sense?

Okay....that doesn't make any sense whatsoever....and i mean the blog i just wrote.
To explain...I went into something, i'm not quite sure what it was...but i went into it with my eyes closed.
I met a wonderful guy who (i think) loved me for me.
And i threw it away because i went it looking to feel loved, not looking for a relationship or commitment.
I ended up hurting myself and him completely....and i can't seem to get over it.
I know my friend is doing the exact same thing and i'm terrified of her getting hurt and me not being able to do anything....
i'm so terrified of not being able to keep her unhurt.

Relationships

I think he's out to ruin my life.
Emotionally and mentally of course.
He hasn't said anything or done anything...no, he hasnt' done anything
Except ruin my veiw on dating and life forever.
The thing is, i'm so completely angry.
I see someone i love doing the exact same thing i did.
It was so wrong. I shouldnt' have ever done it and i see her doing the same thing.
The real problem is, that she knows what she's doing.
She's in a relationship to fool around.
She doesn't want any ties and she doesn't want to be exclusive.
And i think she' believes its right.

I didn't understand why it bugged me so much until a little while ago.
She's rushing into this like i did.
And it was the one time that i regret everything i did.
Not because the guy wasn't amazing.
And not because i did anything i'd regret.
Heck!
I didn't even kiss him.
I know she's going to regret it because once its over she'll never know.

She'll never know if he acually liked her or if he was using her.
She'll never know if it could have worked out.
She'll never know if they would have gotten married.
Because she isn't looking for a relationship.
And she isn't looking for any commitment.
She wants to feel loved, and hold hands and cuddle.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that...
Except its going to hurt her so badly she won't be able to get up without wondering....

Did he acually love me?

I realize that i'm not acually angry at my friend and i'm not acually angry at that guy....i'm angry at myself.
And i'm angry because i went into something looking to feel loved when i should have gone into it knowing i'd be loved and knowing that the commitement was worth it, not just a fool around relationship.
And i'm angry because i can't stop it.
I can't stop wondering and i can't stop rachel from experianceing that wondering.
Because I KNOW she will.
and i know she's going to feel like life will never be the same.
and i'm not okay with that.
I'm not okay with not being able to fix something before it happened because i know i won't be able to fix it when it does.

Back When- By Julien Busse

Think I wont remember what it feels like to not have you next to me?Think I wont remember every word your spoke to me?The way you held me and promised to never let go and that I only knew that eventually I would go I’ll hold on to these memories so dearly every moments now treasured forever kept in my heart, the pain, the sorrow you caused me when you broke my heart the joy you brought when you smiled at me hugged me and held me told me that every things going to be ok and then I put my trust in you

how long is it going to be?How long till you start speaking to me?Telling me things that I use to believe harder and harder it is for me to understand what you mean look at me now, watch me.See my scars and promise me what we all go through will someday end I’ll find someone who understands who will love me for who I am make me laugh and understand what I’ve gone through and what I’ve done

hold me up and tell me I’m the one but I will look back and see where I’ve come from. I’ll remember you maybe I’ll call you and talk to you we will catch up and talk about the days we had talk about the days we’re having and the ones to come and we will see what we have come from think I wont remember everything you say?Just watch me ill remember I still remember to this very day

Feel So - Boxcar RacerSometimes

Feel So - Boxcar RacerSometimes

I wish I was brave
I wish I was stronger
I wish I could feel no pain
I wish I was young
I wish I was shy
I wish I was honest
I wish I was you not I'

CauseI feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over

SometimesI wish I was smart
I wish I made cures for How people are
I wish I had power
I wish I could lead
I wish I could change the world
For you and me'

CauseI feel so mad
I feel so angry
I feel so callous
So lost, confused, again
I feel so cheap
So used, unfaithful
Let's start over
Let's start over