Sometimes

Sometimes, its time.
Time just to lay back and put away all of the fear.
All of the fear and the sorrow,
The grace forgotten will be restored,
The emotions lost will be found.

Like the 1st sheep strays from the 99 other,
So will I stray from you,
I will stray and you will be lovely enough,
To guide me back home.

Then it will be time,
Time to forget my life,
And Woe the sorrow brought by timeless fear.
Woe the pain brought by endless ears.
The fear that once was placed,
Will be replaced by Gods great grace.

But can it be,
That by Gods grace, I can be set free
Yes…you are free, free to be, who he wants you to be.
For man cannot live on bread alone,
But only by the spirit of God.

Never-ending love

This is a hurt that cannot be parched.
I feel like the pain is flowing through my chest but you don't see it, don't even look to see.
As I embrace your wounded body your tears stream from your already red eyes and I can feel your body shaking against mine, your mind allowing you to become totaly at ease in my presense.
I am as stiff as a stick as I continue to shield myself from the hurt I have yet to feel from your words but know it will soon come.
I can feel the future, the pretense of the pain yet to come and I am afraid.
You lean on me now for support, but what will become of us in time.
I know you will forget all of the meaningless things I have said to you and only one thing will stick in your memory.
The way I RAN.
I will run away from you, blindly as i have done before.
I will not stop or cease to continue running and even if you appear before me, your arms outstretched, I will flee.
I cannot bear to look into your eyes when you see what I've done, the things that I have commited.
I know you will no longer love me, no longer be proud of the way I stood tall through everything and pretended that I was okay.
You will be angry, harsh, and unloving in the way you describe me to our once mutual friends.
They will come to hate me and I will look at them in awe.
I will not be afraid anymore.

Through all of this hurt, the tears breaking my heart and falling at your feet, I know when you turn away there will be someone there.
Someone who will not be ashamed of me, who will not look down on me because of all of the horrid things I have done.
They will love me, protect me, guard me and guide me.
Even though I have become afraid, lost hope in this short time, they will be back there....running along side me and waiting for me to need someone to carry me when I get too tired to run.
They will gently set me on the ground, blocking me from the harsh sun and hugging me with their gracious arms.
I will soon begin to replay what happened before I ran, your once harsh words and the way you continued to stare at me in awe when I began to pack for the run...
And as I look back I will see someone there, passing me clothes as I pack, running away from the one person to whome I would always love.

The someone will then usher me out the door, shielding me from the anger of your fists and protecting me from the bluntness of your crushing weight.
He will then remind me that he will always be there for me, even when I continue to go to others, who will not satisfy my need for love.
After he reasurres me of his love he will begin to mend my broken heart and bones as I run and he will run with me, until I am safe away from you.
Strangly after I ran from him the first time I expected his love to end, I expected him to give up....but it was not something I'd hoped for.

You see, I'd given up my hope to find never-ending love.
After all of the bruised arms ....all of the bleeding wrists and broken hearts...I'd given up the hope that others had.
What I didn't understand was that the hope had never given up on me...
My never ending love ran beside me, carried my fragile heart in his careful hands and always continued to love me.

Randoms

"You'll never know much I cry,
All the tears I've kept inside."


"God wrote your love story, so let him read it to you"

Learning to Breathe

Inhale (the past is a mere reminder)
Exhale (the future is only at stake)
Remembering
Anger and dissapointement,
Spilling over the seam.
An attept to conciel the pain,
No slight gain
and remembering to breathe the name.
I am no longer left alone,
I've decided it's too hard to breathe on my own.
So I am learning to breathe.

Inhale (tomorrow is a new day)
Exhale (i have nothing left to say)
for in this world there are only so many jokers,
only so many who will say,
its never too late at the end of the day,
to start over
learning to breathe.

I'll cut my hair,
Change my name,
forget the reminder of all the pain.
I'll live this life the way he did,
i'll love,
i'll loose,
i'll remember to give.

Inhale (i can't help but love you)
Exhale (but now i know that its alright)
i know its fine to scoff and fight.
I will always love,
be confused only to have things clarified,
be hurt only to captured in an adoring smile,
that will take away all doubt,
be strugging to breathe only to loose breathe,
beginning to learn how to breathe.

I will live on,
crying a little,
loving alot.
Showing no pain,
growing a heart.
Gasping for breathe,
not knowing how.
Learning to breathe,
Cause nothing else matters now.

I'm sick

I'm sick of your lies!

DON'T-
expect me.
to trust you.

All you did was pretend you loved me. All you did was pretend you cared.
You had to kiss my cheek, pretend you weren't such a geek,
Pretend you care when all you could do is stare at something that wasn't there...
Something that wasn't there.
OUR LOVE.
You said it was there, you said you felt it...

Felt what....

I can admit that I loved you...I can admit that I felt something more, that I said you meant something more then those silly words you wrote to me on the computer...
You know?
The ones that made me laugh and cry...made me want to die because i didn't want to ever fall asleep again.

You said you loved me. You said you'd wait for me to feel teh same way.

You didn't know I ALREADY DID!

I could have married you. Right here, Right now.

I'm sick of the fact that I can't stop thinking about you. That i continue to try to convince myself that...

Its....

Okay!

Its okay that I dream about you and that pretending I'm in your arms helps me to fall asleep. That i have never felt this way about anyone before and even though I know its a figment of my imagination...i'm okay with that...

Why am I okay with that?

I'm sick of pretending I dont' care about you whenever I see you.

Of wishing I could tell you that I WILL NOT...

CAN NOT...

can not... live without you.

I'm sick of the fact i think i may be falling in love with you.....

once again.

The Wind

Cold and unable to breathe,
Walking.through.this..
Just trying to conceive,
a thought or a picture,
of something once known,
trying to be strong,
not knowing which way to go.

The salt on my lips is,
a reminder of such bliss,
back when i was unafraid,
young,
pure,
so seemingly brave.

Walk straight,
hold your head high.
"remember, its not right to cry"
for to be strong i musn't break,
these chains of tough exterior,
i once did make.

And then the wind,
so light and true,
brings me back to something ionce knew.
i remember when i'd sit and sigh,
be not ashamed to love,
to cry.

Reminders of a midnight dance,
the stars so bright,
the leaves would prance.
The wind gently lifts,
my hair away,
to show a face of joy through pain.

And now so young,
in spirit, not tongue.
Remembering to pray,
through struggles each day.
As something sneaks,
in my closed up room,
reminding me I'm not alone,
for all this fear,
uncertainty draws near,
as something else becomes so clear.
The wind-through many nights and years,
swifly blows,
blows away my tears.

barely breathing

Lately

The sky has seemed bluer,
the clouds whiter and the smells of summer more vibrant than before.
Everything amphed,
out of this ordinary world to something unexplainable,
Lately,
God has seemed so much closer than a touch but so much farther away than the ittsy bittsy spider in that silly song for kids.
The spirit of God, with you in your prayers but so far away when mistakes are made and sins destroy lives.
The life of someone pure, made by God to be perfect in his image-never to make mistakes or feel pain
but pain is what we feel everyday,
the constant stream of double edged swords poking into our fragile skin.
Lately pain from the outside world has seemed so much more real but at the same time
dulled by the brightness of the sky,
the smell of the world,
the look on the face of little children that walk by with icecream running down their adorable chins.

Lately.

HOPE

There is hope.
Deep down inside of the ittie bittie space of your broken heart.
Shining brighter than all of the bitter red,
never to be snuffed out by miscomtempt.
There is hope,
even when the smell of abuse and bruises fill your nose,
when the look of alcohol fills the spaces of your brain
and when tomorrow seems like a year away.
There is hope.
When the white moon shines brighter than the black sky,
illuminating the world around with a pale light.
And the tears-creating salt marks-slide down the clearest of faces,
and the knife of bitter fear is only a space away,
When it feels like the last option is nothing more than a black death,
There is hope.
Hold onto it,
don't let it fade away.
This hope is enough to bring smiles for one more day,
laughter for one more hour.
To bring God back into a condemned soul and life into a breathless body.
This hope is enough to bring love into a hateful world,
full of deceit and worry.
This is hope.

I'm weaker than i seem

I'm weaker than i seem,
and in between-
all
0f
this...
there is things to redeem.
I stand tall in the rain,
and take in all the pain
but beneath this charade-i put on, things i've made-
my resistance to shame is beginning to fade.

I'm weaker than i seem,
and beginning to crumble i break at the seams.
I can't stand it.
I can only take so many break-ups,
the tiring make-ups,
the fights and the fears,
the bruises and tears.
I'm tired of the all heartbreaking years.
I'm weaker than i seem.

I don't want to live,
hopeing to die,
pretending to love
and living a lie.
I'm weaker than i seem.

Alone

So alone.
Desperately searching,
for someplace to hide.
Putting on the mask,
of happyness.
That is tearing me inside.
It makes me want to be alone,
It makes me want to cry.
I just don't want to feel this way,
The way I feel inside.
I can pretend,
to be someone else,
But when the day is done,
I feel just like a mouse,
Searching for a home in an abandoned wreak,
Lost and alone,
a complete reject.

I know I have friends,
and I know i have love.
I know i have something from God up above.
But I just can't see it,
The pain blinds my eyes.
There's something inside,
That covers my lies.
I know what is and i know how its made.
Its a cover of covers that can't be unlaid.
And so as I sit here,
alone and afraid,
Waiting for something to make these covers unmade.
I'll sit here with patience,
And someone will come,
Love me with hugs,
till i cry,
come undone.

Right now so alone,
With no hope left to live,
Wanting to hid yet wanting to give.
I've got one hope left,
that I'll look and I'll see,
that somebody out there is searching for me.

Wait.

And as i sit and wait,
I sigh.
I miss you,
I need you.
Somewhere around the corner of the world,
your waiting for me.
My heart is beating,
And i pray,
I pray that you may be waiting,
with your arms at your side and your heart in its place,
waiting for me to come and not being swept into some embrace.
I need your love,
Lord help me wait,
for this new man of joy and grace.

pieces

he has broken my heart in 5 pieces and as i try to pick them he just takes them back and throws them on the ground,stepping on them as he walks towards me with his arms outstretched and when he has kissed my cheek one last time and taken the last part of my heart and stepped on it..he leaves me there, with more pieces to pick up

Blue Skies

Blue Skies bring thankful voices to heaven.

And I am the thankful one.

I am thankful for the day,

for the beautiful joy that God has given me.

Joy to take place of the pain that fills up my blue skies.

My blue skies that will quickly fade away

Love

God,
This is a new kind of confusion,
A new kind of misunderstanding,
That I cannot control.
And I cannot control the way I feel,
I cannot control the way I cry,
The way I love,
The way I want to be loved.
I cannot control...
Anything.
God,
I miss knowing what is going to happen,
I miss the constant stream of reminders of your love.
And I am afraid.
I stand up to the challanges,
I tear myself loose from these fake memories
and I love with all my life.
But I get caught,
I get caught in this charade of pretending.
Pretending I am fine,
that I can stand on my own two feet.
Lord,
I am going to kneel at your feet,
Because I am,
unworthy.
Everything about me screams for your love.
Lord Jesus,
you have brought my very existance into focus.
You have brought the love of your son,
and still i wonder.
And i stand in wonder and amazement at your unfailing,
Love.
The love that will get me through the day.
You will not push your love on me Lord,
You are incredible.
Your attaniable mercy is new every morning.
And I can be reborn.
I am able to forget,
Forget all that I have felt,
All of the fears from deep within my dark unhealthy Jesus-needing heart.
I am able to love once again.
Lord,
Please don't leave me.
Allow your love, grace and mercy to sorround me.
This is my cry,
my cry of deep longing from my soul to yours.
Do not abandon me,
Do not leave me cast away.
I need you,
I need your wonderful, gracious, warm arms to envelope this body,
This body screaming for help.
Send your love to your servand Lord.
Send your unfailing love.

These People Need Love

There is a girl,
who wishes to be thin.
As she sucks in her stomache she ponders,
she wishes to be the person in the mirror.

There is a boy who wishes to close his door,
open his window and jump.
He wishes he could be gone,
dissapear from this life.

There is child who wishes for the teddybear in the window.
She wishes her mother wouldn't hit her.
She wishes her father wouldn't drink,
get angry and hurt her.

There is a man who closes his eyes to his childrens hurt.
This man will not look at his children,
they remind him,
so muchly so,
of his broken childhood.

There is a grandmother who will never see her grandchildren.
She will not live till tomorrow,
she will not to today.
She has been brought to a better place.

There is a mother, a father, a child, a teen, a grandparent.
Each have their own hurt,
each their own fear,
each there own pain.

Love,
Love these people with everything you have.
Love until you cannot love anymore.
These people,
need love.

Not my will.

"Not my will but thy will be done."
Not MY will...
not mine.
I need to come to terms with this because its not about what I want.
Its not about what I think I want or what I think I need.
Its not about me.
Its about Jesus Christ and him and what he knows I want.
He knows best and I have absolutely know idea what that is.
In the mist of all of this mess I need to remember "Not my will but thy will be done."
Not MY will....
Not Tessa MacMurchy's will and not anyone elses,
but Jesus Christ the one and only living God's will be done.
Not my will, thy will.

Hope

And I feel this immense pressure,

on my heart.

Pleading with me,

to love again.

And I feel this great measure,

of awesomeness,

loving me while seeing all I've done wrong

And all I've been through.

And I feel a love,

coming straight from heaven,

radiating all around me,

telling me, "I promise the best, someday"

And I feel hope,

for tomorrow, today and everyday after.

Urging me to go on,

to live my life for Jesus.

Not hopeing that I"ll be saved from this earthly life,

but hopeing for a greater tomorrow,

with hope to last a lifetime.

Poems 2007

As I Lie

As i lie the reality of my life sweeps around me.
What is my future? Where have the days gone?
I am so utterly alone and fear I will find nothing to grasp.
Nothing to hold tight to while this nightmare washes over me.
Is this reality or imaginary?
Am I really this defeated or is the wisper in the wind a reminder of my thoughts?
Where can I find my life again?

A Bird

If I were a bird would you teach me how to fly if I broke a wing?

The World

The word spins, round and round
And yet....I stand still
Unmoved by the colorful scheme.
The different colors combined to make one thing
DISASTER
Disaster combinded with distruction will soon penitrate the only wall of hope.
Once moved I will no longer be able to stand.
I will have to lean apon people I hate the most,
The people who created disaster.

To Feel Again

I just kind of feel empty.
All the anger, hate, frusteration...
its all turned to emptyness.
I am unable to feel secure or loved because of whats happened
And I, don't understand.
at all.

I wish I was able to feel again,
really FEEL again.

Someone hug me until i start to
CRY.

Romances

The blue sky threatens existance,
For I am unwillign to believe,
that this great abundence of love
was for me to percieve.

I believe in the great big picture,
The one of love, and faith, and hope.
The fairy tales and the mixture,
Was all a great big soap.

Mr Darcy, stern but fake.
The beat and beauty all alone.
Cinderella for the take.
the disney world of cilicone.

For life was not bound up this way.
Each breathe we take, we need to pay.
Life's not romances,
For it is true.
Becuase I was never,
Made for you.

You Inspire Me

"You inspire me!"
I am doomed to failure,
living up to what i so solely lack,
breaking back for just a pack of lies i spread each day.

I told you no,
your bad enough
to bring me to my grave.
And yet i stand,
willign to believe and desprate to,
just know that i am saved.

Saved not from the lies,
not from the cheats.
But words and haunty glances,
evil stares
that just tell me
"your not wanted...."

And then you breath those words,
"you inspire me!"
and i think,
just maybe this day will be on day I break apone those words,
will and able to believe.

You Are

Please tell me,
tell me what you've kept quite all these years.
Tell me what I want to hear
or what i don't.
tell me.
I wnat to be there for you.

You are not insignificant.
You are precious.
Whatever your heart pleads,
I am ehre.
You are not a lot cause,
Please tell me what you've kept quiet all these years.

The Voice

Her voice is barely audible above the wind.
She speaks for all those who have lost their voice.
Who have cried in the middle of the night,
not to be heard.
She speaks for those who are sorry,
those who have been forgiven but cannot forgive themselves.
She speaks.

A Tune

He hears you cry,
When all you want to do is sigh,
And say.
I want you,
I need you.
Somewhere around the corner of the world,
your waiting for me.

Forgiven

He calls,
To everyone's amazement, she comes.
Slowly, with dread lining her broken expression.
She comes.

His arms open, he walks towards her.
Surprised, she steps into his embrace.
The hurt that makes her hesitate
is drowned out, by the strong faith holding them together.

She never though, it was plausiable,
to be forgiven,
for the wrongs she commited.
She never though, she could erase,
the thing that lowered her so needed respect.

Her depts are payed,
She is forgiven.
There is not longer,
a price to be payed.

DON'T YOU HATE IT!

She is made whole,
by the one she thought she could live without.
She desired to forget,
the way she felt.

She Is So Afraid

She is so afriad.
Afraid of life and yet afraid of death.
She is so afraid,
Afraid of herself, her friends, her family.
So afraid to tell the way she feels.
She's afraid of possibilities,
Afraid of god and yet afraid of the possiblity of no God.
Afraid of change and afraid to love.
She is afraid of hope and a future but afraid to have none at all.
She is afraid of words and afraid of slience.
She is so deathly afraid LOVE,
to tell why and who she loves.
She, is afraid of fear.
She's afraid of being afraid and yet she fears.
Will her fears take over, or will they sit drowning her while she stays silent.
To talk would be wonderful,
but she is so afraid.

i try so hard

So...i'm sick of being known as the "sweet" girl. Like sure....i don't mind being sweet and i'd rather be sweet, not slutty or stupid or something else. But the thing is, i'm JUST the sweet girl or the nice girl. And i'm not refuring to getting guys or anything because i do care about that....but not as much as this.

The thing is, I have friends (no suprise there i hope :))
but the problem is, is that i end up introducing my amazing friends to my other friends or i end up asking them to pray for them because i'm so worried...and i worry, a whole heck of a lot. and i pray but the thing is, they end up meeting my friends and they like them....

And its not a problem....i love people meeting people and becoming friends....but the people i care about most; the people i cry about, and pray about and hope for....they are the ones that love my friends more then they have ever loved me.

And i shouldn't be mad about this and i should be totaly okay with it....but i'm not.
and i try so hard, and if i didn't try so hard it wouldn't be a problem..but it try so hard.