Relationships

I think he's out to ruin my life.
Emotionally and mentally of course.
He hasn't said anything or done anything...no, he hasnt' done anything
Except ruin my veiw on dating and life forever.
The thing is, i'm so completely angry.
I see someone i love doing the exact same thing i did.
It was so wrong. I shouldnt' have ever done it and i see her doing the same thing.
The real problem is, that she knows what she's doing.
She's in a relationship to fool around.
She doesn't want any ties and she doesn't want to be exclusive.
And i think she' believes its right.

I didn't understand why it bugged me so much until a little while ago.
She's rushing into this like i did.
And it was the one time that i regret everything i did.
Not because the guy wasn't amazing.
And not because i did anything i'd regret.
Heck!
I didn't even kiss him.
I know she's going to regret it because once its over she'll never know.

She'll never know if he acually liked her or if he was using her.
She'll never know if it could have worked out.
She'll never know if they would have gotten married.
Because she isn't looking for a relationship.
And she isn't looking for any commitment.
She wants to feel loved, and hold hands and cuddle.
And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that...
Except its going to hurt her so badly she won't be able to get up without wondering....

Did he acually love me?

I realize that i'm not acually angry at my friend and i'm not acually angry at that guy....i'm angry at myself.
And i'm angry because i went into something looking to feel loved when i should have gone into it knowing i'd be loved and knowing that the commitement was worth it, not just a fool around relationship.
And i'm angry because i can't stop it.
I can't stop wondering and i can't stop rachel from experianceing that wondering.
Because I KNOW she will.
and i know she's going to feel like life will never be the same.
and i'm not okay with that.
I'm not okay with not being able to fix something before it happened because i know i won't be able to fix it when it does.